Sharing Your Dating Concerns with Busola Agbabiaka
Hello Busolamie
I’m dating a woman who’s really great, except for the fact that she’s constantly questioning me whenever we spend any time apart. To give you an example, when I go out with friends, she has to know where I’m going, when I’m going to be back, and exactly who else will be there. One time, when I was out with friends, she even surprised me by just showing up with her own friends! While I really like her, I just don’t think I can deal with this. Any suggestions?
Dolapo, Lagos
Dear Dolapo
I can appreciate that the behavior you describe is making you feel frustrated. My first suggestion is to take the time to have a heart-to-heart with her. Start the conversation by expressing to her how much you really like her, and what about her in particular makes you feel she’s so great. If you’re exclusive with her, let her know that you chose to be exclusive with her because of the person she is and that you are not interested in exploring a relationship with any other woman. It is possible that she is feeling insecure and your spelling out for her how important she is to you may go a long way towards alleviating any concerns she may have (justified or not). You may also wish to ask her if there is any particular behavior or habit of yours which is causing her any concern. While you may be exhibiting what in your mind may be pretty innocuous behavior, it may be triggering in her concerns based on a past relationship she’s had, or even based on a relationship someone in her life has had or is currently having. While you are certainly not responsible for any other guy’s behavior, at times it can be difficult for many of us to view each new relationship or person unbiased by our previous experiences (or even vicarious experiences shared with us by people in our lives). Let her know that you highly value her trust, and will not betray it.
Hello busolamie
He doesn’t trust me after 10years of marriage, he stills monitors my phone calls and movement, I am getting real uncomfortable with this. He reads your magazine and thus I think your advice will get to him and help my marriage because I still love my husband
Mimi, Calabar
Dear Mimi
Its nice to know that you and your husband read our magazine, its a good way to enjoy your marriage. One thing I have discovered about men is that they are and will always remain child-like in their relationships, so the fact that he is jealous, if I may use the word, means he still loves you and that’s a good starting point. Building on that however, men don’t like to share their loved ones with anybody, not even their dad! They get uncomfortable when you are getting too close to another man, unfortunately the definition of ‘too close’ is only understood by the man. One believes that after 10years, he should have grown to know you better but I also think you are not helping matters. In my language, it is said, when there is no breakage in the wall, lizards cannot build a home in the fence’, meaning without an action, there cant be a reaction! You must be doing something that he doesn’t like you doing, he may have complained severally and you refused to stop it, either because you think what you are doing is right or you just don’t want to stop it. If your marriage is 10 years old, by now I think you should also be shelving some old ideas and concentrate on making your husband happy. And as for your husband, I think you need to wake him up in the middle of the night and talk heart to heart with him, build his confidence and promise to stop whatever he thinks you are doing to make him suspect you of infidelity. I wish you a great talk time.
Relationships can be nasty and they can also be fulfilling, its all about perspectives, our comments and analysis here might noit be the exact answer but we strive to give you a clue on making your relationships work, its the secret to long life, keep rolling in the questions, my email is still open for your letters and comments at busolamie@yahoo.com
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